I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Im part way to drunk.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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