And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Four minutes until I can fart!
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
