So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
