There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
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