Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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