It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
