just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
