Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
