I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
