I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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