After last night, I could never be a politician.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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