moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
