I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
