She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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