is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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