I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
