Midget sex pt 2 tonight
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
