My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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