There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
