i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
