hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
