At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
