The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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