I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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