at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She's the barista slut.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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