I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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