Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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