I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
