Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
