There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
