I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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