Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
