Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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