you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
