mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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