Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so let's talk penis.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
