You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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