We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize