I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
