what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
