I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
