I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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