Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
