I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
no more duck duck goose at the bar
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
