He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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