just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think people are normalizing furries
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
