did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We had to coat check the pizza.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
