hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
