I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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