Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
