I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Randomize
