I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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