The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
