I accidentally had phone sex last night
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
